Hogwarts Express
by Brigid of Co. Mayo
Summary: Ron and Harry's trip to Hogwarts second year, presented in song. This is a song fic to C.W. McCall's "Wolf Creek Pass". Well, I thought it was funny...


This is a bit different than the book. But I tried to keep the changes minor. The song is "Wolf Creek Pass" by C.W. McCall. (If ANYONE ELSE has ever listened to my home-boy "See-Dubya" I'd like to know. I feel like the only 17 year old in the world who loves a song about a broken truck...) Anyway, this is set during Ron and Harry's trip to school, second year  
(Original Song Lyrics)

_Me an Earl was haulin' chickens  
ona Flat bed outta' Wiggins_  
Me and Ron were trying to get to Hogwarts  
In his dad's magical Ford Anglia, cause the gate just wouldn't let us through  
_And we 'as spent all night  
on the uphill side  
of 37 miles o' hell  
called Wolf Creek Pass... Which is up on the Great Divide._  
And we'd spend most of the morning  
Flying above Northern England  
Trying to track that train  
Called the Hogwarts Express...It moves real fast.  
_We was sittin' there suckin' toothpicks  
Drinkin' Knee- highs an' onion soup mix,  
An' I says Earl, let's mail a card to mother  
and send them chickens on down the other side,  
Yeah let's giv'em a ride._  
We were found some sticky toffee  
In the glove compartment  
And I says "Ron, I hope your mum never finds out  
Do you even know how to drive?  
This could get interesting..."

_Chorus- Wolf Creek Pass  
way up on the Great Divide  
Truckin' on down the other side._  
Hogwarts Express  
Flying through the English country side  
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

_Well Earl put down his bottle  
An' mashed his foot down on the throttle  
Then a couple of bulls  
and a thousand cubes  
of a 1948 peterbuilt screamed alive.  
We woke up the chickens._  
Well, we hopped into the car  
Looked out for the muggles,  
Then we turned it on,  
It roared to life  
And we lifted that baby into the sky  
Hedwig looked a bit upset  
_We roared on off of that shoulder  
sprayin' pinecones, rocks, and boulders,  
and put 400 head  
of them Rhode Island Red  
and a couple of burned out roosters on the line.  
Look out below cuz here we go._  
We roared into the air,  
Dodged Big Ben  
And prayed we wouldn't get caught.  
We were putting our education on the line  
Look out below, cuz here we go....

_Wolf Creek Pass  
way up on the Great Divide  
Truckin' on down the other side._  
Hogwarts Express  
Flying through the English country side  
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

_Well we commenced to truckin'  
and them hens, they commenced to cluckin'.  
Then Earl took out a match,  
scratched his pants  
and lit up the unused half of a dollar cigar  
and took a puff, 'says  
My ain't this pertty up here._  
Well we commenced to flying  
And Hedwig shot out of the car, she didn't seem too keen on the idea  
And Ron got that air he gets  
When he thinks he's being exceptionally cool  
I noticed we started to flicker  
And he said "Harry, isn't this just wicked?"  
_I says Earl this hill can spill us,  
you better slow down,  
you gonna' kill us.  
Just make one mistake  
an' it's the pearly gates  
85 crazy USDA approved cluckers.  
You wanna' hit second._  
I says Ron, we could be seen  
You may want to fix this  
Or else we're dead meat.  
Just one muggle  
And its buh-bye Hogwarts  
Do you know what your mom would do?  
You wanna go a bit higher?

_Wolf Creek Pass  
way up on the Great Divide  
Truckin' on down the other side._  
Hogwarts Express  
Flying through the English country side  
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

_Well Earl grabbed onto the shifter  
and stabbed her into fifth gear.  
Then the chromium-plated  
fully illuminated  
genuine accessory shift knob  
come right off in his hand.  
I says you wanna screw that back on there Earl?_  
Ron punched the button a couple a times  
Then looked at me and sorta gulped  
"What should we do?  
We can't be seen!  
Uh-oh..."  
And I says "Maybe we should stay out of sight?"  
_Well he was tryin to thread it back on  
when the fire fell off of his cigar  
and dropped on down  
sorta rolled around  
and lit the cuff of Earls pants  
an' burned a hole in his sock.  
Yeah sorta set him right on fire._  
Well, we did and it seemed to be going alright  
We dipped down every once and a while  
It was getting hot and the toffee wasn't so good anymore  
And then the car shook  
And the engine whined  
And right out side of Hogwarts  
We started diving towards the ground.  
_Well I looked on outta the window  
an' started counting phone poles  
goin' by at the rate of 4 to the 7th power.  
Well I put 2 and 2 together  
and added 12 an' carried 5,  
come up with 22,000 telephone poles an hour._  
Well, I looked outta the window  
And watched as the Forbidden Forest flew below our feet  
Going by at the rate of 4 to the 7th power  
Well I put 2 and 2 together  
And added 12 and carried 5  
And came up with 22, 000 trees an hour  
_I looked at Earl and his eyes was wide  
His lip was curled and his leg was fried  
and his hand was froze to the wheel  
like a tongue to a sled in the middle of a blizzard._  
I looked at Ron and his eyes were wide  
His face was white and he looked like he might puke up that there toffee  
And he was turning the steering wheel wildly  
Like a drag racer on a two way street.  
_I says Earl I'm not the type to complain  
but the time has come for me to explain  
that you don't apply some brake real soon,  
their gonna' have to pick us up with a stick and a spoon._  
And I said "Ron, I know this may not entirely be your fault  
But I might want to mention that I want to make it past my first year  
So you might want to work on a safe landing  
Or else we're beyond even Pomfrey's help  
_Well Earl reared back, cocked his leg,  
stepped down as hard as he could on the brake,  
pedal went clear to the floor  
' stayed right there on the floor.  
Said it was kinda like steppin' on a plum._  
Ron tried to gain control  
Tried the pedals  
Spun the wheel to the right  
And it got stuck  
It took the two of us to pull it left again.  
_Well from there on down it just wasn't real pertty,  
it was hairpin county and switchback city.  
One of 'em looked like a can full of worms,  
another one looked like malaria germs._  
It didn't seem to be improving....  
The whine was louder  
And we were diving faster  
I think I wet myself  
_Right in the middle of the whole damn show  
was a real nice tunnel now wouldn't you know._  
That is a very large tree up ahead  
_The sign said clearance to the 12 foot line  
but them chickens was stacked to 13-9.  
Well we shot that tunnel at a hundred and ten  
like gas through a funnel and eggs through a hen.  
We took that top row of chickens off slicker than scum off a Louisiana swamp._  
Ron tried to swerve  
But it didn't work  
We were headed straight for that tree  
This is gonna hurt  
_Went down an' around an' around an' down  
we ran outta ground at the edge of town  
and bashed into the side of the feed store  
in downtown Pagosa Springs._  
We banged on in  
And sat there,  
Scared, trying to get over what had just happened  
When we found out what a "Whomping Willow" is.

_Wolf Creek Pass  
way up on the Great Divide  
Truckin' on down the other side._  
Hogwarts Express  
Flying through the English country side  
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

_Wolf Creek Pass  
way up on the Great Divide  
Truckin' on down the other side._  
Hogwarts Express  
Flying through the English country side  
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.


End file.
